Are You Married to Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition typically characterized by difficulties in regulating emotions. People with BPD often experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days. They may also harbor an unspoken fear of abandonment that can manifest in ways that are often emotionally confusing for the people close to them. If you are married to someone with BPD – or you think your spouse might have it but has not been diagnosed yet – you should know more about this mental health condition and how it could impact your marriage and your divorce if you ever get one.

Signs Someone May Have Borderline Personality Disorder

Identifying early signs that your spouse may have borderline personality disorder will require you to stay observant of certain patterns in behavior and emotions. However, it’s first important to understand that only a trained psychologist or psychiatrist can provide an official diagnosis, so you shouldn’t rush to any conclusions based on your observations alone.

BPD is characterized by intense emotional instability and impulsive behavior, which can manifest in various ways within relationships. You might notice a pattern of intense but unstable relationships, where your spouse's feelings towards you or others can shift dramatically from idealization to devaluation. They may also frequently reach confusing conclusions about abandonment; in the case of a marriage, a spouse with BPD might frequently worry about getting a divorce even when the marriage is otherwise happy and healthy for both spouses.

Four signs that someone may have BPD include:

Emotional instability: Frequent and intense mood swings, often triggered by stress or interpersonal conflicts.
Impulsive behavior: Engaging in risky behaviors such as excessive spending, substance abuse, or reckless driving.
Fear of abandonment: An intense fear of being left alone or rejected, leading to desperate attempts to prevent perceived abandonment.
Unstable relationships: Rapidly changing views of relationships, fluctuating between extremes of closeness and distance.

How BPD Can Impact Your Marriage

If your spouse has BPD or shows signs of it, your marriage can face unique challenges that you might not have ever expected. The emotional instability associated with BPD often leads to communication breakdowns and frequent conflicts or arguments. Misunderstandings are common, as emotional responses can sometimes seem exaggerated or disproportionate to the situation at hand.

Spouses of people with BPD may find themselves on an emotional roller-coaster, swinging between moments of intense connection and deep-seated conflict. This fluctuation can take an emotional toll on both spouses, requiring extra patience and empathy, as well as a strong commitment to understanding one another.

Living With a Spouse Who Has BPD

If you are married to someone with BPD, you may find it useful to:

Set boundaries: Clearly define what is acceptable and what is not in terms of behaviors that seem to originate from BPD. Boundaries help maintain a sense of personal integrity and can prevent emotional exhaustion.
Practice self-care: Prioritize your mental and physical health because no one else can prioritize these for you. Find ways to relax and recharge when you can.
Open communication: Approach difficult conversations with empathy and patience. Focus on expressing feelings rather than making accusations.
Educate yourself: Understanding BPD can help you better navigate your partner’s behaviors and offer appropriate support. If your spouse is seeing a therapist for their BPD, you might be able to ask them if they can recommend any reliable resources of information.

Therapy & Support Groups for BPD Spouses

Therapy can help couples who are dealing with the unexpected consequences of borderline personality disorder. Individual therapy for the spouse with BPD like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) has been shown to be effective in managing symptoms like emotional outbursts or anxious spiraling about an imagined divorce on the horizon. Couples therapy can also help both spouses improve communication and strengthen their relationship by creating a safe space to talk to one another with the guidance of a mental health professional.

Support groups can also provide a safe space to share experiences and learn from others facing similar challenges. A trusted therapist or psychologist can usually recommend local support groups for people with a variety of mental health concerns, including BPD.

Divorcing a Partner with BPD

Divorce is a challenging process for any couple, but it can be particularly complex when one partner has BPD. Emotional volatility may intensify during the divorce proceedings, leading to conflicts that are both more intense and frequent. A careful and sensitive approach to the situation is a must, and starting with professional counsel from a divorce lawyer can help you feel more prepared. If you expect the divorce to be turbulent, as it very well may be if your spouse has been diagnosed with BPD, you should consider involving a mental health professional who can provide guidance on managing emotions and maintaining stability throughout the process.

During the divorce, you also need to keep your focus on what is best for you and your children. You cannot let your spouse’s BPD get between you and what’s right. In other words, you might feel sympathetic for them because they have a mental health condition that can cause complications, but you shouldn’t make divorce decisions for that reason alone. Furthermore, someone with BPD might be more likely to try to emotionally manipulate you into agreeing to their divorce terms, so you have to move carefully through the proceedings.

When divorcing someone with borderline personality disorder, you should talk to a divorce attorney about:

Legal Help for Divorcing Someone with BPD

Being married to someone with borderline personality disorder requires a healthy helping of understanding and patience, as well as a willingness to seek help when it is needed. Of course, professional help can take many forms, from marriage counseling and therapy to divorce representation. If you want out of a marriage to someone with BPD, you should always feel like you have the option to talk to an attorney about your options, even if you aren’t sure you want to go through with it just yet.

Gill Law Group, PC is a trusted name in Orange County, California, for complex divorces and family law cases. Our attorneys focus on cases that involve personality disorders like narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. Where most other law firms shy away from these cases due to the many unique complications, we proudly offer a hand because we believe everyone deserves the opportunity to work with a legal professional who truly hears them and genuinely cares about their well-being.

See how we can help with your BPD divorce case by calling (949) 681-9952 now.